“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, in no time flat, my schedule had filled up. Again. It’s almost as bad as that one week last year. I’ll have a link to that post at the bottom. I have 2 audition, finals, a fashion show, and a show in the next 3 weeks. Here is my schedule for the next 2 or 3 weeks:

Sunday- church, write 10 page essay and turn in online, memorize sides for Monday’s audition.

Monday- Leave at 7 am for Los Angeles. Audition at 2. Memorize Tuesday’s 10 page script on the way home from Los Angeles.

Tuesday- rehearsal performance in Acting class, yoga class, go over Tuesdays sides, English class.

Wednesday- audition at callback for the student film I did about a month ago, revise English paper and turn in.

Thursday- Regular classes, look at “Midsummer Night’s Dream” script.

Friday- Modeling Workshop for Delta CC in Sacramento 4-10

Saturday, Sunday- Look at “Midsummer Night’s Dream” script.

Monday- Rehearsal for Shakespeare.

Tuesday- Acting final 9:30-12:20, Yoga final 12:45-3:35, English final 4-6:50. Miss rehearsal.

Wednesday- Rehearsal.

Thursday- Dress rehearsal for fashion show in Sacramento 10am-10pm.

Friday- Fashion show 10am-10pm.

Saturday- Performance of Shakespeare.



If English and Yoga were totally eliminated, paper and all, from my schedule, that would make me really happy. I am honestly not sure if I can do the Shakespeare show. I really want to do it, though. I am okay with missing rehearsals, even the two final dress rehearsals, but I’m not sure the director will. Oh, the director is in the San Francisco Shakespeare Festival. That’s the company putting this on. We are using their costumes, too. Awesome!


I just have to trust that God will watch me and keep a steady hand on my shoulder to protect me. He is always there, even in the scary parts of life.


Ever since I changed my diet, my acne has almost completely cleared up. I haven’t done anything too radical, but I pretty much only eat fruits, veggies, meat, nuts, and the only grain I will eat is bread, usually organic from the brand Eureka, or the bread from a stand at my farmers market I go to every other week. It’s every Saturday, but I get paid every two weeks. I usually cook my veggies. I was going to try raw vegan, but I couldn’t stand it more than half a day. I still eat eggs, and I eat honey. I buy local honey, mostly for my allergies.


Here’s the post:



“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” -Robert H. Schuller

I got to admit, I’m feeling like I should stop trying. I can’t afford this. I’m getting negative feedback.

I had an audition yesterday. Because I am going to tell you exactly what the casting director said, I’m not going to say what the project was.

I thought I had this audition in the bag. I prepared for it, I brought the necessary materials, I spent almost $20 to print up the sides (selected excerpt from the script) and my head-shot picture, I was 3 hours early. Actually doing the audition, I played against a guy. I did the audition twice. The second time, they asked me to play it a different way, which is very possible in an audition. You might be acting different than what they want, but you don’t know. You don’t know the background of the characters unless you read the entire script, but you can’t always do that. I don’t mind when they do that. So, audition went great, in my eyes. They were very positive.

Until, I get the real response via message on their website. On their site, they can do a few different things, like send you a video of your audition (and you pay to watch it) and give you free feedback. Alright, awesome.

Until I actually read it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to audition for________________. Unfortunately, we decided to go a different direction for the role of _______. You did a good job listening and your rapport with _______ was natural and fun, but your choices felt a bit repetitive despite different directions. Your performance as a whole also felt like it could have been more cohesive.

Okay. Let’s break this down. I did a good job listening when they told me to do the scene differently, but I was repetitive when they told me to do it differently. What? Honestly, I didn’t know what they meant by ‘cohesive’, even though I know what it means. So I looked up the definition to see if it had multiple meaning. ‘to be connected logically; be consistent’  So, I wasn’t realistically connecting to the guy I was playing against? Considering the guy was supposed to be playing a girl and his acting was overly exaggerated, as if he was on a stage, and was sitting 3 feet away, uh, yeah, it’s hard to play against that. I can’t be consistent if they tell me to go in a different direction. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t watch the video. I can’t afford it.


Of course, like any actor would do, I begin thinking if I am doing the right thing and if this is for me. I mean, a casting director, who sees hundreds, if not thousands of auditions for one role, tells me I have no chemistry on camera and I don’t now how to take directions. I don’t really know how to respond to that. I mean, how do you think that makes me feel? I try my hand at what I want to do and am told I am no good at it. I spend almost every single paycheck for gas money to L.A. I am constantly broke. I can’t afford to spend 100% of my money to go to L.A. to not get the job. I need to get the job and earn money back and then some. I’m going to be a full-time student next semester. I have books to pay for and school materials and competition entrance fees for tennis. How does everyone else in Hollywood do this? Please, tell me their secret.


I just need to let this roll right off my shoulders and remember that I will be taking an acting class next semester. Just let it go. There is nothing I can do about it. I still have a year and a few months left in my contract. I still have time to learn.


I’m working on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Oh boy. At least I get time and a half on Thanksgiving, and I’m working 5 hours that day. I’m working 17 hours this week. That’s the most I’ve worked in one week, which is ridiculous. Last week I only worked a four hour shift. This will help counteract that in my next paycheck and it should be a bit bigger.

My younger brother is home from Marine boot camp. He’s leaving in 2 weeks back to Camp Pendleton and then to the East Coast for more training, and then we don’t know what happens after that.

“Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.” -Og Mandino

I thought I would do a week log of my workouts real quick: 

  • Monday: 2 1/2 hours of tennis (1200 calories burned)
  • Tuesday: 2 1/2 hours of tennis (670 calories burned)
  • Wednesday: 3 1/2 hours of tennis (1540 calories burned)
  • Thursday: 1 1/2 hours of tennis (660 calories burned)
  • Sunday: 30 minutes of paced walk, 5 minutes of jump rope (370 calories burned)

Plus I worked 2 4 hour shifts at work

  • Tuesday: 4 hour shift of work (720 calories burned)
  • Thursday: 4 hour shift of work (720 calories burned)

Total: 5880 calories burned 7 days.

That’s 3 days worth of food burned in 7 days.

I’ve been using  this site http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calories_burned.htm to calculate calories burned.

I was asked by someone if I would be their doubles partner in a competition on Friday. I don’t think I’m that good. I think I need more practice. A lot more. I was just having a good day when I went against him on singles. My parents say I should do it, but I don’t think I’m ready. I need to work on my serves. Really bad.

Last Wednesday, they guy I usually play against in doubles or play with, told me I looked pale and told me to sit down. He said I was dehydrated and I should be drinking 1 1/2 gallon of water a day. I sat for about 10 minutes and got up to play again against the wall. I know I am a bit dehydrated, but I drank 2 bottles of Gatorade that night alone when I played. Should be good enough, right? 😉


I don’t know if I’ve already said, but we finally had gotten the dates for the ball and the pageant. Well, the ball has been moved. They don’t know when yet. And that really makes me mad. I already put in my request off for that weekend. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. I asked for days off that I usually don’t work anyway.

I’ve been a bad girl and have been shopping. I’ve got most of my Christmas shopping done. But, I burned through all that I earned for the commercial I did. I don’t know how I did it. I can under stand how half of it went, but I don’t know how the other half got spent so fast. I need to watch my spending. I can’t let it disappear like that anymore. I have two checks waiting for me at work that I can pick up on Friday. I still have 3 hotel stays that I need to pay for. One of which might be only about $35, because I’ll be splitting the room cost with a friend of mine who is coming to Jordan’s graduation.


My mom put me in the running for a commercial that I really, really wanted. I don’t know why I didn’t get it. It was for a shoe commercial for athletic shoes. A 12 hour shoot, 8 pm to 8 am, tonight. They were looking for a 5’7″ brunette athlete girl who can run. Uhhhh. Fits me to a ‘T’. I’m 5’7″, a brunette, and I run. I was on a track team for 3 years. I play tennis. A lot. I didn’t get picked. Oh well. Maybe next time. Maybe next time will be my big break. Hopefully next time will be my big break. After all, they did come to me, twice (the commercial and the movie). I didn’t go to them.

Life seems a bit more unfair today.

Semper Fi.

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” -Spike Milligan

The title is about money because I went to an audition yesterday in Hollywood. I paid for the gas. I don’t think I should have paid for the gas. I don’t think anyone should have paid for the gas. It pisses me of that anyone had to pay for the gas. I’m not saying I should have gotten gas money for it, but the audition was such a joke, in my opinion, that I shouldn’t have gone. I drive 300 miles there for a joke audition, drive 300 miles back, and am exhausted during work the next day for nothing.

I got to the audition an hour early, and the audition was at a book store in Hollywood. We wandered around the store for an hour and then waited outside in a line. I was dressed in a cheetah print halter dress and gladiator style brown sandals. The info in the email said to dress the part. I did. I was audition for Jane, as in Tarzan and Jane. There were other girls there in workout clothes and no makeup and then there were girls, literally  in leopard print skimpy bikinis or mid drift shirts and mini skirts and 6 inch heels, and guys without shoes or shirts. And, I was one of the shortest girls there. Driving by, you would have thought we were auditioning for a jungle porno. Anyway, they called in 3 people at a time, and I was in the 3rd group. I was the second one to go in my group. We were to go up in front of a group of people, who were there for a book signing, and tell why in a bout 30 seconds why I would make a good Jane, or Tarzan for the guys. No joke, the girl before me stripped off all her clothes, on camera, to reveal a tiny leopard print bikini, a ten body, and was pretty in shape. How am I going to get the job if nobody is taking it seriously and professionally but I am? That was no way to come to an audition! No to mention all the talk I was listening in on about “if nothing happens by 7:30, I’m leaving”. I felt so out of place. So, I went up there and I have no idea what I said. The first thing I said was “sorry, but I’m not going to take off my clothes” and they thought it was hilarious. Hopefully, that will make them remember me and want me.

Oh. There was a guy behind me was saying how he had researched the whole Tarzan thing and it was real and he was telling the story of Tarzan, obviously flirting with some of the other girls. I was listening in, and he was retelling the Disney version of Tarzan, exactly. It was actually pretty funny.

But it felt like a joke. Like thinking you are being sent to an audition for a big production that will run for 50 performances and thousands in the audience every night, but when you get to the audition, it ends up being a small church production or a kindergarten class production for parents day. If you did end up getting the part of Tarzan or Jane, you get a small cash prize and you go to the other book signings with the author and be the characters from her book. Yeah, that would be fun, but the pay is so small, I would be spending more money to go there than I would be making money actually doing the job. It would be good improv experience. I wouldn’t mind the job, but if I don’t get it, I’ll be really angry that I actually went to the audition. Not to mention I already am.

Oh, not to mention that right before the audition, I had a iced tea from Peete’s Coffee and I didn’t realize at first, but there was caffeine in it. I’m allergic to caffeine. I was so sick for the first 3 hours of driving home. I don’t mean puking sick, but I get anxiety attacks, when I’m not anxious, for no reason, I get this thing called brain zaps, I get jittery, dizzy, my brain gets fuzzy, I can’t focus, I start talking about random things, and then change the subject. It was bad.

Over all, a bad experience. And no, if I get the job, I’m not going to say it was a good experience. The audition was a bad experience. The actual job might be a good experience.

It felt good to be in Hollywood again. I was in the same area as I was the last time I was there 2 1/2 months ago. It is all so familiar.


I treated myself to Panda Express today. And Wendy’s yesterday. And McDonalds. Yeah. I’m going running in about an hour. Just finished the last of the Panda Express. I made it last 2 meals, breakfast and lunch and a snack after work.

Semper fi.

“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” -Samuel Butler

I got two checks today, and I was totally not expecting it.

While I was filming the commercial for AT&T, there were rumors that if it went SAG, the extras, who were not SAG affiliated would get SAG pay, mailed at a later date. I still am not sure what SAG is, other than a union for screen actors. So, how would I get SAG pay if I am not SAG and what does it mean for a project to go SAG?

I’m not sure if I should say the amount of pay. It’s sort of a respect thing, I guess, towards the company to not tell how much people get paid. I don’t know how to put it in words, what I’m trying to explain.


I have $100 saved from my last two paychecks from work, and now that I have this, I can help with the next 3 trips I’m taking, that I know of right now. Hopefully another will turn up. A paying acting job.

So, I have the coronation ball in 3 weeks, Jordan’s graduation a month after, and the actual pageant in January.

So a workout update. Not so good. I was told Wednesday I am still in it. Thursday, I had played tennis for 2 hours, Friday I played tennis for 1 hour with my friend at the park 1/2 a mile away. And today, I have done nothing. Since my sister is at work, I can a workout DVD and some extra crunches or something. To most people, this is already more than what most people do, but I want to workout 2-4 hours a day. I just find that doing reps is so boring! I tried. I honestly tried. I just got so bored, I ended up just lying on my floor, and I was still more entertained than than doing reps.


A diet update. I am eating less in a meal, but so much more snacking is going on! It’s all relatively healthy, though. Hard boiled eggs, red bell pepper, cottage cheese, Yoplait yogurt (even though this is the unhealthiest brand there is), pineapple, ground beef, and apple sauce. As for starch carbs, I’m trying to stay away from it. I did, however, have some sugary cereal today, without milk. I had two servings, and the box says 3/4th of a sup is one serving with 27g of carbs. I’ve already had 4 hard boiled eggs today, 3 servings to cottage cheese, 2 servings of ground beef, plus all the other stuff on the list above, and I still want to eat!


There are certain things that I believe there should be no limit on how much you can have. Not necessarily how much at once because you still need a limit on that, but over all in a day how much you want, you can have. However, the list is kind of short. Lean meats of all kind, tuna, and non-starchy veggies. I think everything else needs a limit, and a small one at that. Bread, also known as starch or carbs, is just a complex sugar. When your body breaks it down, it is sugar. Sugar is not the best for your body, but it is needed to run everyday. You can get sugar from other sources than just breads, like fruit and starchy veggies. Meat does not contain sugar. It is pure protein. Fruit should have a limit because it has so much sugar. Same with starchy veggies, like peas and potatoes. Nuts are great, but because of the fat content, it does have a limit. If there wasn’t, I could seriously eat a family size bag of chips bag size of almonds and walnuts and cashews. Especially the smokehouse flavored. And then I would roll over and die from a heart attack from all that fat. Lol. Smokehouse flavored almonds will be the death of me if I were to be released in a factory that made them and was let loose. This is just my opinion of food based on my experience. It might not be the right ratio or scale to you.

I think that’s all I have for now. 🙂

Semper Fi.

“To enjoy the glow of good health, you must exercise.” -Gene Tunney

So, apparently, I was never dropped from the pageant, and I am still doing it. We had sent multiple messages to the director, but went unanswered. My mom messaged her today and she called us. We finally have dates for the ball and the actual pageant.

It’s weird. I’m not happy, but also not sad or disappointed that I’m still doing it. I was so in the mindset that I wasn’t in it and I didn’t have to worry about it. I didn’t have to worry about gas or my out of shape body in a bikini or a dress or anything. Just whatever video auditions that popped up. Just taking 5 minutes to memorize the script and forget it after I turn off the camera.

Now, I have 33 days to get in shape. I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier, but at the photo shoot, I was the fattest girl there. No joke. No lie. Not exaggerating. All the girls there were thinner and skinnier than I am. I am average size. That’s the thing. I know people are going to say “don’t worry about it” and “the judges will see you for who you are and not what you look like”. Really? They can see my personality while I’m wearing a nearly see-through white bikini from 20 feet away? Interesting.


I just don’t know how to feel. I’m actually really nervous. I realized this past summer, I get anxiety attacks. During The Sound of Music, I had 4 and nearly passed out for one of them, and that was during a dress rehearsal. Not even an audience in the house. I managed the other 3, during performances, and somehow didn’t pass out. But I was scared, before going on every time for 4 scenes in 8 performances, that I was going to have an attack that I nearly had one a few times. About 20 minutes after I was told I am still in it, it hit me and I was dizzy for the next 30 minutes. I just ignored it, but that doesn’t make it go away.

Imagine that. After performing for 8 years on stage in band and musical theater, I start getting stage fright. Doesn’t make sense.


Well, lets see if I can get a bikini body in 30 days. Probably not, but I have to try.


We’ve received 3 letters from my brother who is in boot camp or the marines. I’m really proud of him but I really miss him.


Semper Fi.


“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” -Virginia Woolf

I am stuck in a rut, and it is bringing down my hope of moving forward. Even just moving forward in time, before I age out of roles.

I can only get into the tennis class in college, and even then, I can’t pay for it, $70. I am going to borrow money from my brother and pay him back when I get paid.

I wanted to get into the improvisational acting class, but I am number 17 on the wait list. Seeing as how people wait years to get into this class, not going to happen.

We got a letter telling us when my brother’s boot camp graduation day is, and my parents want us to go, but there simply are no funds for anything. We are on the verge of getting things shut off because we can’t pay the bills. How are we supposed to pay for gas, food, and a hotel for 10 people? We can’t afford my sister to play laser tag with her friends tonight, for $10.

Being in debt is putting such a strain on my heart, now that I realize that things simply cannot happen. No, I can’t go around town to get pictures taken. I have to stay at home and do them, using the same background. No, I can’t audition for that role, even thought I am perfect and they would pick me out of the thousands who audition. We even wouldn’t have enough gas to get 1/4th of the way to L.A.

Yeah, they tell you to collect “no’s” and they all add up to equal a “yes” one day, but what if the no’s are telling you you can’t even audition. What do you do then? Wait? I don’t want to wait. You can’t wait for this sort of thing.

My current plan is to play tennis, as much as I can. I am enrolled in one tennis class, 2 times a week for 1 1/2 hours. I am going to ask my coach if I can crash his other two classes, on the other mornings and afternoons, equaling 1 1/2 hours, 6 times a week, making 9 hours of class time. I will play after class, and train on my own time. I will get on the varsity team, meaning I get first priority to enroll in classes, but means I need to be a full time student while on a varsity team. Being full time will mean I can only go to L.A. on the weekends, if I can afford it.

I would like to work 25+ hours a week, but my job is giving me 4-8 hours a week, on full availability. This absolutely pisses me off. It hardly counts as a job. It hardly counts as anything. My check at the end of two weeks? I doesn’t even pay for 1/2 of the groceries in a week.

I’m not sure if I’m still in the pageant. I talked with me mom and she messaged the director, without my knowing, telling her I was thinking about dropping it. And since then, casting notices have been showing up again for the pageant. So, I guess they dropped me without telling me. I said might. Not will.

I realize I mostly complain and say negative things on here, but that is what is going on in this part of my life. Once things pick up again, the posts are going to get better.

I posted 5 new pictures on my picture page. Go check them out. They were actually taken as part of The Jeff Probst show. They filmed my Dad taking pictures of me, to show that we do our own head shots.  I’m surprised they turned out good. They were sort of nothing pictures when we did it, but some turned out really good.

Semper Fi.


“Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.” -Bernard Meltzer

I just posted my last post about 20 minutes ago, but I was thinking and decided to look around and I found something.

The commercial I was in with Victoria Justice!

  • my pink shoes on the right in the first shot
  • after she turns around the corner, I am on the left side of her
  • 0:13, I’m on the left in the black shirt, and again one or two shots later, same scene

Yeah. I’m freakin’ excited about this!


“You cannot do only one thing.” -Garrett Hardin

I just want to do a quick little update, because I am really happy about some news I have come upon today. Granted, I don’t think this will change anything soon, but it still makes me happy.

I had auditioned for a student film, locally, about 7 months ago and one of the producers is a crew member for the musical I am in. I was talking about something I will mention in a sec, and he ended up talking about my audition. He told me that i was actually one of the final three for the main female role and they were really impressed with my audition, but I was just a tad too young looking. My first audition, not even signed yet, and I made it to the final three. I don’t know why, but that made me feel really confident about my acting skills.

The second thing. I didn’t mention this, but the T.V. show, The Doctors, has called me, twice now, for me to be on their show! They called about a week ago and wanted me to be there yesterday, but I had a show. Then they called me again today and wanted me next Friday, but I have a show. They mentioned they really want me, so I might in the next few weeks be on The Doctors! They just need to still be discussing what they want me for. I’m not too sure of the subject, but I have an idea of what it is. They had said it, but it might have changed for the second time they called.


Yeah. This show, The Doctors.

Some friends of mine made a music video and we are trying to get it to go viral. Help us and watch it? What’s there to loose? 3 minutes of your life?

Oorah. (And yes, I am temporarily changing “images in your head” to “oorah” in dedication for my brother. Maybe until he comes home.)

“One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.” -Antonio Porchia

I am in a really good mood tonight. Well, all day.

Something funny happened this morning, and it is a bit on the personal level.

I applied and had an interview for Starbucks. I hope I get the job. I need the extra money so bad. I haven’t done an audition in over a month. I want to get back into it, but I can’t without gas money. And I have to pay for my classes in the next month. About $250. It’s not much, compared to other colleges, but that’s how much I get paid in 2 months, maybe 3. I just am not getting enough hours right now.

Jamba Juice has been having a sale 9-11am, and for the 2nd time, I took advantage of it, and had a smoothie for breakfast. I had Caribbean Passion, something I have never tried. My sister told me it reminded her of Hawai’i. Awesome. Ran some errands. Had Taco Bell for lunch, and yet again, I tried something new. I tried their new Cantina salad with chicken, and it was so good! I was so full after, I thought I was going to throw up. I shouldn’ t have eaten it all and gotten myself that full because it stretches out your stomach. But I did.

Cantina Salad, chicken

Tonight was opening night of The Sound of Music! And it went amazing. For the past 2 rehearsals, I haven’t been doing one scene because I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out. I don’t know what it was about that scene, but I forced myself to do it tonight. I have been able to do all the scenes fine, except that one. I switched positions with my younger sister so I was closer to the wings, and that helped so much. I asked the girl next to me if I could switch spots, while on stage, and she was so rude to me. Really rude. I thought she was a nice person. Guess not. I was hyperventilating at first, but I calmed myself down and it went away and I did it fine. I will admit that I scratched my nose as soon as the lights turned on, but I did it because I needed to feel like it was casual for me to be on stage. I couldn’t just stand there, not moving.


In the first scene, I almost fall flat on my face. I didn’t get my costumes until tonight, and one was even made an hour before curtain. In the scene, I end up kneeling on the ground. When I stood up, my heel of my character shoes (generic looking theater heels) got caught on the hem of my dress, and I couldn’t put my leg down. It took me about 3 seconds to shake the skirt to free my foot. 3 seconds doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is when you are supposed to walk with someone and you are doing a live performance. I did my best.

For the past three nights, my snack before bed has been, well, carbs. I’ve been having white rice, a potato, and a hard boiled egg with soy sauce. It is so good, but so bad! Carbs and salt infused snack. Yuck! The eggs are okay for you. Also, I have this pair of shorts that has always been a bit too big on me, but I wear anyway. I tried them on today… They fit me perfect. A size 5. I’ve gained weight. I was a size 4. Oops. Need to start exercising a lot,  soon.

Tomorrow is two performances, and one on Sunday, and then a cast party at my house. So, that’s 4 performances in one weekend, but 2 weekends in a row, making 8 performances.

A really bad habit I have picked up is not going to bed until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I will stay on computer or watch a movie until I physically can’t keep my eyes open and I get dizzy. And it is bad because my I am tiring out my body by not sleeping. I should get to bed earlier because I need to start waking up earlier. I need to find a way to get myself in bed. I think once it gets colder, it will be way easier because I just want to get warm in my bed. I couldn’t really help it tonight. I didn’t get home until about 10:45. But it is now 12:30. I’m going to aim for 1.

I am signed up for 2 classes this semester. A tennis class and Improvisational Acting. I’m on the wait list, meaning the class is already full, but once people start dropping out, I can get n. I’m number two on the list for tennis and I think number 9 for the acting class. I can’t wait to start both of these classes. I love tennis and I need to up my acting skills. Now, how am I going to pay for them? I have no idea. Borrow money from my brother? Probably. Will he let me? Probably now. I’ll figure it out.