“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, in no time flat, my schedule had filled up. Again. It’s almost as bad as that one week last year. I’ll have a link to that post at the bottom. I have 2 audition, finals, a fashion show, and a show in the next 3 weeks. Here is my schedule for the next 2 or 3 weeks:

Sunday- church, write 10 page essay and turn in online, memorize sides for Monday’s audition.

Monday- Leave at 7 am for Los Angeles. Audition at 2. Memorize Tuesday’s 10 page script on the way home from Los Angeles.

Tuesday- rehearsal performance in Acting class, yoga class, go over Tuesdays sides, English class.

Wednesday- audition at callback for the student film I did about a month ago, revise English paper and turn in.

Thursday- Regular classes, look at “Midsummer Night’s Dream” script.

Friday- Modeling Workshop for Delta CC in Sacramento 4-10

Saturday, Sunday- Look at “Midsummer Night’s Dream” script.

Monday- Rehearsal for Shakespeare.

Tuesday- Acting final 9:30-12:20, Yoga final 12:45-3:35, English final 4-6:50. Miss rehearsal.

Wednesday- Rehearsal.

Thursday- Dress rehearsal for fashion show in Sacramento 10am-10pm.

Friday- Fashion show 10am-10pm.

Saturday- Performance of Shakespeare.



If English and Yoga were totally eliminated, paper and all, from my schedule, that would make me really happy. I am honestly not sure if I can do the Shakespeare show. I really want to do it, though. I am okay with missing rehearsals, even the two final dress rehearsals, but I’m not sure the director will. Oh, the director is in the San Francisco Shakespeare Festival. That’s the company putting this on. We are using their costumes, too. Awesome!


I just have to trust that God will watch me and keep a steady hand on my shoulder to protect me. He is always there, even in the scary parts of life.


Ever since I changed my diet, my acne has almost completely cleared up. I haven’t done anything too radical, but I pretty much only eat fruits, veggies, meat, nuts, and the only grain I will eat is bread, usually organic from the brand Eureka, or the bread from a stand at my farmers market I go to every other week. It’s every Saturday, but I get paid every two weeks. I usually cook my veggies. I was going to try raw vegan, but I couldn’t stand it more than half a day. I still eat eggs, and I eat honey. I buy local honey, mostly for my allergies.


Here’s the post:



“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” -Spike Milligan

The title is about money because I went to an audition yesterday in Hollywood. I paid for the gas. I don’t think I should have paid for the gas. I don’t think anyone should have paid for the gas. It pisses me of that anyone had to pay for the gas. I’m not saying I should have gotten gas money for it, but the audition was such a joke, in my opinion, that I shouldn’t have gone. I drive 300 miles there for a joke audition, drive 300 miles back, and am exhausted during work the next day for nothing.

I got to the audition an hour early, and the audition was at a book store in Hollywood. We wandered around the store for an hour and then waited outside in a line. I was dressed in a cheetah print halter dress and gladiator style brown sandals. The info in the email said to dress the part. I did. I was audition for Jane, as in Tarzan and Jane. There were other girls there in workout clothes and no makeup and then there were girls, literally  in leopard print skimpy bikinis or mid drift shirts and mini skirts and 6 inch heels, and guys without shoes or shirts. And, I was one of the shortest girls there. Driving by, you would have thought we were auditioning for a jungle porno. Anyway, they called in 3 people at a time, and I was in the 3rd group. I was the second one to go in my group. We were to go up in front of a group of people, who were there for a book signing, and tell why in a bout 30 seconds why I would make a good Jane, or Tarzan for the guys. No joke, the girl before me stripped off all her clothes, on camera, to reveal a tiny leopard print bikini, a ten body, and was pretty in shape. How am I going to get the job if nobody is taking it seriously and professionally but I am? That was no way to come to an audition! No to mention all the talk I was listening in on about “if nothing happens by 7:30, I’m leaving”. I felt so out of place. So, I went up there and I have no idea what I said. The first thing I said was “sorry, but I’m not going to take off my clothes” and they thought it was hilarious. Hopefully, that will make them remember me and want me.

Oh. There was a guy behind me was saying how he had researched the whole Tarzan thing and it was real and he was telling the story of Tarzan, obviously flirting with some of the other girls. I was listening in, and he was retelling the Disney version of Tarzan, exactly. It was actually pretty funny.

But it felt like a joke. Like thinking you are being sent to an audition for a big production that will run for 50 performances and thousands in the audience every night, but when you get to the audition, it ends up being a small church production or a kindergarten class production for parents day. If you did end up getting the part of Tarzan or Jane, you get a small cash prize and you go to the other book signings with the author and be the characters from her book. Yeah, that would be fun, but the pay is so small, I would be spending more money to go there than I would be making money actually doing the job. It would be good improv experience. I wouldn’t mind the job, but if I don’t get it, I’ll be really angry that I actually went to the audition. Not to mention I already am.

Oh, not to mention that right before the audition, I had a iced tea from Peete’s Coffee and I didn’t realize at first, but there was caffeine in it. I’m allergic to caffeine. I was so sick for the first 3 hours of driving home. I don’t mean puking sick, but I get anxiety attacks, when I’m not anxious, for no reason, I get this thing called brain zaps, I get jittery, dizzy, my brain gets fuzzy, I can’t focus, I start talking about random things, and then change the subject. It was bad.

Over all, a bad experience. And no, if I get the job, I’m not going to say it was a good experience. The audition was a bad experience. The actual job might be a good experience.

It felt good to be in Hollywood again. I was in the same area as I was the last time I was there 2 1/2 months ago. It is all so familiar.


I treated myself to Panda Express today. And Wendy’s yesterday. And McDonalds. Yeah. I’m going running in about an hour. Just finished the last of the Panda Express. I made it last 2 meals, breakfast and lunch and a snack after work.

Semper fi.

“To enjoy the glow of good health, you must exercise.” -Gene Tunney

So, apparently, I was never dropped from the pageant, and I am still doing it. We had sent multiple messages to the director, but went unanswered. My mom messaged her today and she called us. We finally have dates for the ball and the actual pageant.

It’s weird. I’m not happy, but also not sad or disappointed that I’m still doing it. I was so in the mindset that I wasn’t in it and I didn’t have to worry about it. I didn’t have to worry about gas or my out of shape body in a bikini or a dress or anything. Just whatever video auditions that popped up. Just taking 5 minutes to memorize the script and forget it after I turn off the camera.

Now, I have 33 days to get in shape. I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier, but at the photo shoot, I was the fattest girl there. No joke. No lie. Not exaggerating. All the girls there were thinner and skinnier than I am. I am average size. That’s the thing. I know people are going to say “don’t worry about it” and “the judges will see you for who you are and not what you look like”. Really? They can see my personality while I’m wearing a nearly see-through white bikini from 20 feet away? Interesting.


I just don’t know how to feel. I’m actually really nervous. I realized this past summer, I get anxiety attacks. During The Sound of Music, I had 4 and nearly passed out for one of them, and that was during a dress rehearsal. Not even an audience in the house. I managed the other 3, during performances, and somehow didn’t pass out. But I was scared, before going on every time for 4 scenes in 8 performances, that I was going to have an attack that I nearly had one a few times. About 20 minutes after I was told I am still in it, it hit me and I was dizzy for the next 30 minutes. I just ignored it, but that doesn’t make it go away.

Imagine that. After performing for 8 years on stage in band and musical theater, I start getting stage fright. Doesn’t make sense.


Well, lets see if I can get a bikini body in 30 days. Probably not, but I have to try.


We’ve received 3 letters from my brother who is in boot camp or the marines. I’m really proud of him but I really miss him.


Semper Fi.


“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” -Virginia Woolf

I am stuck in a rut, and it is bringing down my hope of moving forward. Even just moving forward in time, before I age out of roles.

I can only get into the tennis class in college, and even then, I can’t pay for it, $70. I am going to borrow money from my brother and pay him back when I get paid.

I wanted to get into the improvisational acting class, but I am number 17 on the wait list. Seeing as how people wait years to get into this class, not going to happen.

We got a letter telling us when my brother’s boot camp graduation day is, and my parents want us to go, but there simply are no funds for anything. We are on the verge of getting things shut off because we can’t pay the bills. How are we supposed to pay for gas, food, and a hotel for 10 people? We can’t afford my sister to play laser tag with her friends tonight, for $10.

Being in debt is putting such a strain on my heart, now that I realize that things simply cannot happen. No, I can’t go around town to get pictures taken. I have to stay at home and do them, using the same background. No, I can’t audition for that role, even thought I am perfect and they would pick me out of the thousands who audition. We even wouldn’t have enough gas to get 1/4th of the way to L.A.

Yeah, they tell you to collect “no’s” and they all add up to equal a “yes” one day, but what if the no’s are telling you you can’t even audition. What do you do then? Wait? I don’t want to wait. You can’t wait for this sort of thing.

My current plan is to play tennis, as much as I can. I am enrolled in one tennis class, 2 times a week for 1 1/2 hours. I am going to ask my coach if I can crash his other two classes, on the other mornings and afternoons, equaling 1 1/2 hours, 6 times a week, making 9 hours of class time. I will play after class, and train on my own time. I will get on the varsity team, meaning I get first priority to enroll in classes, but means I need to be a full time student while on a varsity team. Being full time will mean I can only go to L.A. on the weekends, if I can afford it.

I would like to work 25+ hours a week, but my job is giving me 4-8 hours a week, on full availability. This absolutely pisses me off. It hardly counts as a job. It hardly counts as anything. My check at the end of two weeks? I doesn’t even pay for 1/2 of the groceries in a week.

I’m not sure if I’m still in the pageant. I talked with me mom and she messaged the director, without my knowing, telling her I was thinking about dropping it. And since then, casting notices have been showing up again for the pageant. So, I guess they dropped me without telling me. I said might. Not will.

I realize I mostly complain and say negative things on here, but that is what is going on in this part of my life. Once things pick up again, the posts are going to get better.

I posted 5 new pictures on my picture page. Go check them out. They were actually taken as part of The Jeff Probst show. They filmed my Dad taking pictures of me, to show that we do our own head shots.  I’m surprised they turned out good. They were sort of nothing pictures when we did it, but some turned out really good.

Semper Fi.


“Do what you love and the money will follow.” -Marsha Sinetar

Life has gone up hill and then down hill very quick.

And I have decided, because of this amazing mood I am in (note the sarcastic tone), I’ll go ahead and tell you about the commercial and the Jeff Probst show.

Up hill:

It took about 8 hours to film the commercial. And the guest celebrities? Victoria Justice and Ryan Beatty! I will admit I was probably the only person who knew Ryan Beatty, or rather about him. They didn’t tell us she was going to be there until after she had just arrived. And Ryan was already there. I actually recognized him as soon as I saw him. It was really cool! The commercial was with AT&T as a Public Service Announcement to not text and drive. It was my first paying job.

The Jeff Probst Show sent a limo bus to pick us up. It took 8 hours to drive down because we made a stop near San Francisco to pick up my brother. We arrived at the hotel, The Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, across the street from the Chinese Theater, a famous movie theater. some of my sisters decided to walk around outside after we got there and it turns out there was a movie premier at the Chinese Theater. And guess who was there? Johnny Depp! They saw him leave the theater and get into his limo. The next morning, we had the limo pick us up and drive us to the studio.We had hair and makeup and wardrobe done. We actually got to keep our wardrobe after, and I absolutely love my dress! We had a about 20 minutes of face time, but they are probably going to edit that down. They had a surprise for us, but I’m not going to say what. You are just going to have to watch on September 1oth to see what it was. And then the 8 hour drive back, but I stayed with my brother.

Down hill:

I don’t know why my mom chose that moment to tell me, but I have to pay for my gas to L.A. from now on. I think that is fair, but I have no money. I have Just over $100. So, yeah. I do have money, but there are other things going into the equation.

Ten days after you sign up for your class, your classes have to be paid off or else they drop you and they give your spot to someone else. My 10th day was Thursday. My classes weren’t paid for because we are in debt. We maxed out the credit card. I don’t mind giving 100% of my paychecks to my parents, but only as long as they had been paying for my gas and school. We can’t afford that anymore. I need to pay for gas and school. My 4 classes that I was going to take cost almost $500. I did apply for a state grant, but they never got back to me. I can’t just call their office. It’s all online. So, I am currently not in school because of the cost.

Here’s the other thing. I was supposed to work on Thursday, but I was leaving that day for L.A., so I was going to call in and use a sick day, and that would have been my third in 2 months. At about 2, I realized I forgot to call in. We were in the process of packing and getting organized to leave all morning. We left at about 12:30 pm, and my shift started at noon. So,  I might be loosing my job. L.A. takes up too much time to work where I do when they don’t allow any leniency and everything is by the book.

Here’s the break down: I might lose my job, and that means no money. My family is past the point of no money and I can’t take any classes this year because of it. I need to pay for my way to and from L.A. from now on, but I might not have a job, so I might not be able to go to L.A. anymore for anything. On top of all this, because of where I live and my proximity to L.A., nobody wants to buy an ad for the program for the pageant I’m going to be in. Half the money was due last week, and I don’t have a penny for it. If they drop me, they will tell my agent I flaked on them because I signed an agreement that I would do everything in my power to get the money and I will get the money. (Granted I only called back 3 people who I sent packets to, but I am so discouraged and I know for a fact they won’t buy an ad because of the economy and I don’t know them or I have an unbelievably awkward relationship with that person. I actually changed the way I walked to class many times in high school so I wouldn’t pass by certain people.) I absolutely can not get that money. If my agent is told I am a flake, I won’t get sent to any auditions or my contract will be dropped, which I guess will solve the money for gas issue because there will be no need for that gas. However, that doesn’t solve the fact that this is what I want to do.

“Do what you love and the money will follow”? No. I can’t do what I love to do because I have no money. I almost don’t even have a job right now because of what I love to do. I am getting sick, mentally and physically, because I can’t do what I love to do.

I’m going to watch a movie and go to bed now, even though it is still early for me. Not even 10 pm.

“It is better to create than to learn! Creating is the essence of life.” -Julius Caesar

I didn’t go to bed last night. I stayed up and got everything ready to go. We left at 1 am. I slept in the car for about 2 hours on the way down to L.A. We got to base camp about 2 hours early, so we changed our clothes, cleaned up, and headed over there. It was two giant trailers in a parking lot of an apartment building. I met some people. Bella, a 5 year old girl whom I would be babysitting in the movie, Frankie, her teacher on set, and many of the behind the scene crew members. I spend most of the day with Bella and Frankie. Bella was always talking, but about real stuff, like when her uncle went to the jungle. Frankie was fun to hang with because he knew trivia facts about random things, which is awesome. It starts conversations. I did my own hair and brought different outfits to be possibilities to film in. I ended up in wardrobe’s shoes and sweatshirt. I wore my own pants. We took a car that was shuttling the cast and crew to the house we were filming at. We filmed on location, as opposed to on a sound stage. We got there at about 11, hung around while people arrived and set up, and had lunch, which was catered by the same people who did breakfast at base camp earlier. After lunch, the main characters arrived. Matt Leblanc, from the T.V. sitcom Friends, and Adam Rodriguez, from the T.V. show CSI: Miami, and in popular movies, such as Magic Mike.

I will be brutally honest. I was not star struck, but my mom was. It’s not that I don’t respect them, but I saw them as people, not celebrities. I was at total ease on set. I wasn’t nervous or anything. I felt like I belonged there. Here’s the thing. I’m not the best at acting. The only way I can describe it is someone going to the first day of gymnastic class, and loving it and feeling like it was meant to be, but being no good at it. I need to work on my acting skills.

Anyway. Back to the story. There were a few scenes before mine that were filmed with Matt and Adam. I sat on the couch and watched. I’m not sure how, but I ended up sitting on the couch next  to Matt, and Adam on the other side of the table on the other couch, chit-chatting about stuff. Imagine all the thousands upon thousands of girls in the world who would have loved to be in my shoes. Sitting next to Adam and Matt. On location for filming a movie. It was really cool, being able to watch these two actors do their scenes. They were naturals. Saying “it was really cool” doesn’t at all describe how amazing it was to see them. My scene was me talking with Adam and Matt was at the front door, talking to Bella. It took about 30 minutes to film the 45 second scene. It was about 100 degrees in the house because the A/C would be too noisy. I was wearing a fleece sweatshirt. Not a good combination. At all. It’s not that I didn’t think the shirt was cute. I actually really liked it. It looked like something I would wear, in the winter. I was sweating so much, I was afraid to stand near Matt and Adam because I had sweat dripping down my face and neck. We had finished filming my scene, and my mom was too eager to leave because she left her lunch at base camp. As soon as I was done, I took off the shirt, I had mine on under, and we headed for the shuttling cars. We got 2 blocks away when we turned around because the makeup lady was supposed to go with us. When we got back to the location house, the crew was looking for me. I wasn’t cleared to leave just yet. They needed to review the shot and make sure it was okay. It wasn’t. The boom was in frame. We needed to do the shot again. So I went back into the house, put on my personal sauna of a shirt, and filmed the scene 3 or 4 more times. Then I was cleared to go. How embarrassing! Leaving the set, and having everyone looking for me. We got back to base camp, I signed a release paper, I changed my clothes to shorts and a tank top, and we left at about 6:30. We finally got home at about 2 am. I slept about 3 hours on the way home.

(Top-Adam Rodriquez) (Bottom-Matt Leblanc)

I felt so at ease on set. It was great! It was so cool to see how filming works, as I have been doing theater for years. It has a lot of similarities and differences. I loved being there. Everyone was amazingly nice and sincere to everyone else. I think this is what I want to do. I just need to work on my skill as an actor. I’ll look into acting classes at the JC.

When I got home, my dad was explaining the “six degrees of separation” where everyone in the world is connected by 6 people. By connection with Matt Leblanc, I “know” everyone he was cast with. Or how about Channing Tatum. Adam was in “Magic Mike” with him. So, technically, I know Channing Tatum. How awesome is that? Or how about Obama? He is having an event at the White House and Matt will be there.

I work at noon, so I better got some sleep. I want to wake up in 3 or 4 hours to workout or go running before work and before it gets hot. It’s going to be in the triple digits for the next 4 or 5 days. Brutal. I have a photo shoot in L.A. in 10 days for the Queen of the Universe Pageant. I need my beauty sleep before then. Lol. G’night world. 

“Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge.” -Abraham Joshua Heschel

I need to keep wondering, instead of worrying. I have my first film role on Wednesday, staring 5 major, A-list actors. I don’t want to say just now who they are. It could be bad, I don’t know. I need to focus on wondering how my acting will be, instead of worrying about it. I have never actually acted before. I was in The King and I last summer, but I was only on stage for 3-5 scenes, and we didn’t talk. We sang. I was a Royal Wife, but then again, there was 10 of us. And we made up the chorus. I need to see the positive in this, though. I kind of wanted to slowly work my way into this business, but it looks like I will be jumping right in. I am usually one who jumps right into the pool, not slowly walk in, though.

I am happy that there are no lines for my role. I know that sounds weird, coming from someone who wants to be an actress, but I have the worst memory, and I’m not just saying that. I really do have a bad memory. I have a hard time memorizing names, numbers, lines, street names, and how to get places. There are exceptions, but it is still hard for me. I had a video audition about 2 months ago. The scene took 30 seconds to do. It took me 30 minutes to completely memorize the lines. A normal actor would only take 5 minutes. The audition for the movie about Amy Grant, I have 3 hours to memorize the lines, a 1 minute scene. I couldn’t remember. I botched the audition. It was bad, but I covered okay. It took me about a year to remember my cell phone number, mainly because I hardly have it out. I don’t call my self, so why should I know it? When I tech for a show, I usually keep my cue sheet with me for every performance and look at I ever 5 minutes to make sure I don’t move the wrong set or I don’t move at the wrong cue. Even if I have everything memorized. 

Anyway, that is all I have right now. I am probably leaving home between 12-4 am on Wednesday, and it will only be my mom and myself. It’s going to be a long day. (Jordan is at camp, my dad will be working, and Kelsey will be home with Nina. I know I didn’t want to use names in this blog, but seeing as how most views are from people I know, they would know my siblings. I guess I just won’t use friends names.) I work Tuesday and Thursday, so that won’t be a problem.

I’m kinda mad at myself. I hate my hands, and I think they look better when I grow out my nails and paint a french tip on them or some color. During load out yesterday, moving the sets out of the theater and back to the warehouse, I broke 5 nails. 3 on my left hand and two on my right. I think those fingers look disgusting now. I don’t know what to do. I am filming in 2 days and I have disgusting hands. Ugh!

Peace, love, and the image of brownies in your head.