“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, in no time flat, my schedule had filled up. Again. It’s almost as bad as that one week last year. I’ll have a link to that post at the bottom. I have 2 audition, finals, a fashion show, and a show in the next 3 weeks. Here is my schedule for the next 2 or 3 weeks:

Sunday- church, write 10 page essay and turn in online, memorize sides for Monday’s audition.

Monday- Leave at 7 am for Los Angeles. Audition at 2. Memorize Tuesday’s 10 page script on the way home from Los Angeles.

Tuesday- rehearsal performance in Acting class, yoga class, go over Tuesdays sides, English class.

Wednesday- audition at callback for the student film I did about a month ago, revise English paper and turn in.

Thursday- Regular classes, look at “Midsummer Night’s Dream” script.

Friday- Modeling Workshop for Delta CC in Sacramento 4-10

Saturday, Sunday- Look at “Midsummer Night’s Dream” script.

Monday- Rehearsal for Shakespeare.

Tuesday- Acting final 9:30-12:20, Yoga final 12:45-3:35, English final 4-6:50. Miss rehearsal.

Wednesday- Rehearsal.

Thursday- Dress rehearsal for fashion show in Sacramento 10am-10pm.

Friday- Fashion show 10am-10pm.

Saturday- Performance of Shakespeare.



If English and Yoga were totally eliminated, paper and all, from my schedule, that would make me really happy. I am honestly not sure if I can do the Shakespeare show. I really want to do it, though. I am okay with missing rehearsals, even the two final dress rehearsals, but I’m not sure the director will. Oh, the director is in the San Francisco Shakespeare Festival. That’s the company putting this on. We are using their costumes, too. Awesome!


I just have to trust that God will watch me and keep a steady hand on my shoulder to protect me. He is always there, even in the scary parts of life.


Ever since I changed my diet, my acne has almost completely cleared up. I haven’t done anything too radical, but I pretty much only eat fruits, veggies, meat, nuts, and the only grain I will eat is bread, usually organic from the brand Eureka, or the bread from a stand at my farmers market I go to every other week. It’s every Saturday, but I get paid every two weeks. I usually cook my veggies. I was going to try raw vegan, but I couldn’t stand it more than half a day. I still eat eggs, and I eat honey. I buy local honey, mostly for my allergies.


Here’s the post:



“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” -Robert H. Schuller

I got to admit, I’m feeling like I should stop trying. I can’t afford this. I’m getting negative feedback.

I had an audition yesterday. Because I am going to tell you exactly what the casting director said, I’m not going to say what the project was.

I thought I had this audition in the bag. I prepared for it, I brought the necessary materials, I spent almost $20 to print up the sides (selected excerpt from the script) and my head-shot picture, I was 3 hours early. Actually doing the audition, I played against a guy. I did the audition twice. The second time, they asked me to play it a different way, which is very possible in an audition. You might be acting different than what they want, but you don’t know. You don’t know the background of the characters unless you read the entire script, but you can’t always do that. I don’t mind when they do that. So, audition went great, in my eyes. They were very positive.

Until, I get the real response via message on their website. On their site, they can do a few different things, like send you a video of your audition (and you pay to watch it) and give you free feedback. Alright, awesome.

Until I actually read it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to audition for________________. Unfortunately, we decided to go a different direction for the role of _______. You did a good job listening and your rapport with _______ was natural and fun, but your choices felt a bit repetitive despite different directions. Your performance as a whole also felt like it could have been more cohesive.

Okay. Let’s break this down. I did a good job listening when they told me to do the scene differently, but I was repetitive when they told me to do it differently. What? Honestly, I didn’t know what they meant by ‘cohesive’, even though I know what it means. So I looked up the definition to see if it had multiple meaning. ‘to be connected logically; be consistent’  So, I wasn’t realistically connecting to the guy I was playing against? Considering the guy was supposed to be playing a girl and his acting was overly exaggerated, as if he was on a stage, and was sitting 3 feet away, uh, yeah, it’s hard to play against that. I can’t be consistent if they tell me to go in a different direction. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t watch the video. I can’t afford it.


Of course, like any actor would do, I begin thinking if I am doing the right thing and if this is for me. I mean, a casting director, who sees hundreds, if not thousands of auditions for one role, tells me I have no chemistry on camera and I don’t now how to take directions. I don’t really know how to respond to that. I mean, how do you think that makes me feel? I try my hand at what I want to do and am told I am no good at it. I spend almost every single paycheck for gas money to L.A. I am constantly broke. I can’t afford to spend 100% of my money to go to L.A. to not get the job. I need to get the job and earn money back and then some. I’m going to be a full-time student next semester. I have books to pay for and school materials and competition entrance fees for tennis. How does everyone else in Hollywood do this? Please, tell me their secret.


I just need to let this roll right off my shoulders and remember that I will be taking an acting class next semester. Just let it go. There is nothing I can do about it. I still have a year and a few months left in my contract. I still have time to learn.


I’m working on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Oh boy. At least I get time and a half on Thanksgiving, and I’m working 5 hours that day. I’m working 17 hours this week. That’s the most I’ve worked in one week, which is ridiculous. Last week I only worked a four hour shift. This will help counteract that in my next paycheck and it should be a bit bigger.

My younger brother is home from Marine boot camp. He’s leaving in 2 weeks back to Camp Pendleton and then to the East Coast for more training, and then we don’t know what happens after that.

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” -Spike Milligan

The title is about money because I went to an audition yesterday in Hollywood. I paid for the gas. I don’t think I should have paid for the gas. I don’t think anyone should have paid for the gas. It pisses me of that anyone had to pay for the gas. I’m not saying I should have gotten gas money for it, but the audition was such a joke, in my opinion, that I shouldn’t have gone. I drive 300 miles there for a joke audition, drive 300 miles back, and am exhausted during work the next day for nothing.

I got to the audition an hour early, and the audition was at a book store in Hollywood. We wandered around the store for an hour and then waited outside in a line. I was dressed in a cheetah print halter dress and gladiator style brown sandals. The info in the email said to dress the part. I did. I was audition for Jane, as in Tarzan and Jane. There were other girls there in workout clothes and no makeup and then there were girls, literally  in leopard print skimpy bikinis or mid drift shirts and mini skirts and 6 inch heels, and guys without shoes or shirts. And, I was one of the shortest girls there. Driving by, you would have thought we were auditioning for a jungle porno. Anyway, they called in 3 people at a time, and I was in the 3rd group. I was the second one to go in my group. We were to go up in front of a group of people, who were there for a book signing, and tell why in a bout 30 seconds why I would make a good Jane, or Tarzan for the guys. No joke, the girl before me stripped off all her clothes, on camera, to reveal a tiny leopard print bikini, a ten body, and was pretty in shape. How am I going to get the job if nobody is taking it seriously and professionally but I am? That was no way to come to an audition! No to mention all the talk I was listening in on about “if nothing happens by 7:30, I’m leaving”. I felt so out of place. So, I went up there and I have no idea what I said. The first thing I said was “sorry, but I’m not going to take off my clothes” and they thought it was hilarious. Hopefully, that will make them remember me and want me.

Oh. There was a guy behind me was saying how he had researched the whole Tarzan thing and it was real and he was telling the story of Tarzan, obviously flirting with some of the other girls. I was listening in, and he was retelling the Disney version of Tarzan, exactly. It was actually pretty funny.

But it felt like a joke. Like thinking you are being sent to an audition for a big production that will run for 50 performances and thousands in the audience every night, but when you get to the audition, it ends up being a small church production or a kindergarten class production for parents day. If you did end up getting the part of Tarzan or Jane, you get a small cash prize and you go to the other book signings with the author and be the characters from her book. Yeah, that would be fun, but the pay is so small, I would be spending more money to go there than I would be making money actually doing the job. It would be good improv experience. I wouldn’t mind the job, but if I don’t get it, I’ll be really angry that I actually went to the audition. Not to mention I already am.

Oh, not to mention that right before the audition, I had a iced tea from Peete’s Coffee and I didn’t realize at first, but there was caffeine in it. I’m allergic to caffeine. I was so sick for the first 3 hours of driving home. I don’t mean puking sick, but I get anxiety attacks, when I’m not anxious, for no reason, I get this thing called brain zaps, I get jittery, dizzy, my brain gets fuzzy, I can’t focus, I start talking about random things, and then change the subject. It was bad.

Over all, a bad experience. And no, if I get the job, I’m not going to say it was a good experience. The audition was a bad experience. The actual job might be a good experience.

It felt good to be in Hollywood again. I was in the same area as I was the last time I was there 2 1/2 months ago. It is all so familiar.


I treated myself to Panda Express today. And Wendy’s yesterday. And McDonalds. Yeah. I’m going running in about an hour. Just finished the last of the Panda Express. I made it last 2 meals, breakfast and lunch and a snack after work.

Semper fi.

“To enjoy the glow of good health, you must exercise.” -Gene Tunney

So, apparently, I was never dropped from the pageant, and I am still doing it. We had sent multiple messages to the director, but went unanswered. My mom messaged her today and she called us. We finally have dates for the ball and the actual pageant.

It’s weird. I’m not happy, but also not sad or disappointed that I’m still doing it. I was so in the mindset that I wasn’t in it and I didn’t have to worry about it. I didn’t have to worry about gas or my out of shape body in a bikini or a dress or anything. Just whatever video auditions that popped up. Just taking 5 minutes to memorize the script and forget it after I turn off the camera.

Now, I have 33 days to get in shape. I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier, but at the photo shoot, I was the fattest girl there. No joke. No lie. Not exaggerating. All the girls there were thinner and skinnier than I am. I am average size. That’s the thing. I know people are going to say “don’t worry about it” and “the judges will see you for who you are and not what you look like”. Really? They can see my personality while I’m wearing a nearly see-through white bikini from 20 feet away? Interesting.


I just don’t know how to feel. I’m actually really nervous. I realized this past summer, I get anxiety attacks. During The Sound of Music, I had 4 and nearly passed out for one of them, and that was during a dress rehearsal. Not even an audience in the house. I managed the other 3, during performances, and somehow didn’t pass out. But I was scared, before going on every time for 4 scenes in 8 performances, that I was going to have an attack that I nearly had one a few times. About 20 minutes after I was told I am still in it, it hit me and I was dizzy for the next 30 minutes. I just ignored it, but that doesn’t make it go away.

Imagine that. After performing for 8 years on stage in band and musical theater, I start getting stage fright. Doesn’t make sense.


Well, lets see if I can get a bikini body in 30 days. Probably not, but I have to try.


We’ve received 3 letters from my brother who is in boot camp or the marines. I’m really proud of him but I really miss him.


Semper Fi.


“Things do not change, we change.” -Henry David Thoreau

I haven’t been to L.A. since filming the Jeff Probst Show. I know I haven’t gone into details about that or the commercial.

School starts in 2 weeks, and I am on the waitlist for 1 class, tennis. I’m number 2 on the list, so I will get in. People will drop it because it’s  early and I know the coach will let me in. I can’t afford any more classes than one 1 unit class. We pay by the unit, and it is usually $60 a unit.

Money is still tight, and is causing problems because they will skip lunch, to save money, but then eat when they get home, right before dinner, and then eat dinner. Or eat a snack before going to bed, which actually can cause weight gain., because they had an early dinner.School started up again for 3 kids, and so there’s gas for that, plus 3 people work. The cars are starting to break down more often. I think we took the Ford Explorer in twice this month, and there is still something wrong.

I don’t know how many people know this, but I have been posting it on my Facebook. Today, my younger brother, Jordan, went to Marine boot camp. He has been training with other recruitees for about a year. We knew this day was coming, but it came and went so fast. Yes, there was crying, but I do have to admit, it wasn’t from me. I don’t think it has quite hit me yet. I bought a build-a-bear after work on Thursday and it was dressed as a Marine. I gave it to Jordan and he gave it to our mom right before the car drove off. That was a bit too much for her. She was fine until then, when she stated crying. What I thought was amazing is his best friend showed up at the recruitment center to see him off. Nobody else asked if they could, but  this guy did. Just his family and his best friend. What kind of pisses me off is as soon as he left, people are claiming his room and his comforters and his stuff. That absolutely pisses me off. It is still his stuff. When he officially moves out, he will want all that. He’s not dead, he’s just at “college” for 3 months. Think about it. Boot camp is just a learning experience, just like college. Anyway, he left this morning. We won’t see him for 3 months, then he graduates and actually goes to another boot camp for his field of choice.

We had a good-bye party on Saturday, and that lasted about 9 or 10 hours. Honest. It started at noon and people were still here after dark. About 90 people showed up and it was so much fun! I went swimming 3 times and got pushed in twice. I hung out with friends I haven’t seen in years. It was a lot of fun and I am so glad we had the party. So many of Jordan’s friends showed up.  Jordan is right when he said this, “I think you guys are making this a bigger deal than I am and what it really is.” It is true, but it is still a big deal.

The theater show I am in open in 5 days. Crazy! I don’t feel as attached to this show as others because we have only had like 6 rehearsals, and now we are at tech week. My role is so small, there isn’t a great need for rehearsals. Everything is going really good for that show.

Work gave me 12 hours last week, and 4 this week. What. The. Heck. I’m looking for a second part time job.

There was something else i was going to add, but I can’t remember right now.

Peace, love, and waffles.


“Do what you love and the money will follow.” -Marsha Sinetar

Life has gone up hill and then down hill very quick.

And I have decided, because of this amazing mood I am in (note the sarcastic tone), I’ll go ahead and tell you about the commercial and the Jeff Probst show.

Up hill:

It took about 8 hours to film the commercial. And the guest celebrities? Victoria Justice and Ryan Beatty! I will admit I was probably the only person who knew Ryan Beatty, or rather about him. They didn’t tell us she was going to be there until after she had just arrived. And Ryan was already there. I actually recognized him as soon as I saw him. It was really cool! The commercial was with AT&T as a Public Service Announcement to not text and drive. It was my first paying job.

The Jeff Probst Show sent a limo bus to pick us up. It took 8 hours to drive down because we made a stop near San Francisco to pick up my brother. We arrived at the hotel, The Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, across the street from the Chinese Theater, a famous movie theater. some of my sisters decided to walk around outside after we got there and it turns out there was a movie premier at the Chinese Theater. And guess who was there? Johnny Depp! They saw him leave the theater and get into his limo. The next morning, we had the limo pick us up and drive us to the studio.We had hair and makeup and wardrobe done. We actually got to keep our wardrobe after, and I absolutely love my dress! We had a about 20 minutes of face time, but they are probably going to edit that down. They had a surprise for us, but I’m not going to say what. You are just going to have to watch on September 1oth to see what it was. And then the 8 hour drive back, but I stayed with my brother.

Down hill:

I don’t know why my mom chose that moment to tell me, but I have to pay for my gas to L.A. from now on. I think that is fair, but I have no money. I have Just over $100. So, yeah. I do have money, but there are other things going into the equation.

Ten days after you sign up for your class, your classes have to be paid off or else they drop you and they give your spot to someone else. My 10th day was Thursday. My classes weren’t paid for because we are in debt. We maxed out the credit card. I don’t mind giving 100% of my paychecks to my parents, but only as long as they had been paying for my gas and school. We can’t afford that anymore. I need to pay for gas and school. My 4 classes that I was going to take cost almost $500. I did apply for a state grant, but they never got back to me. I can’t just call their office. It’s all online. So, I am currently not in school because of the cost.

Here’s the other thing. I was supposed to work on Thursday, but I was leaving that day for L.A., so I was going to call in and use a sick day, and that would have been my third in 2 months. At about 2, I realized I forgot to call in. We were in the process of packing and getting organized to leave all morning. We left at about 12:30 pm, and my shift started at noon. So,  I might be loosing my job. L.A. takes up too much time to work where I do when they don’t allow any leniency and everything is by the book.

Here’s the break down: I might lose my job, and that means no money. My family is past the point of no money and I can’t take any classes this year because of it. I need to pay for my way to and from L.A. from now on, but I might not have a job, so I might not be able to go to L.A. anymore for anything. On top of all this, because of where I live and my proximity to L.A., nobody wants to buy an ad for the program for the pageant I’m going to be in. Half the money was due last week, and I don’t have a penny for it. If they drop me, they will tell my agent I flaked on them because I signed an agreement that I would do everything in my power to get the money and I will get the money. (Granted I only called back 3 people who I sent packets to, but I am so discouraged and I know for a fact they won’t buy an ad because of the economy and I don’t know them or I have an unbelievably awkward relationship with that person. I actually changed the way I walked to class many times in high school so I wouldn’t pass by certain people.) I absolutely can not get that money. If my agent is told I am a flake, I won’t get sent to any auditions or my contract will be dropped, which I guess will solve the money for gas issue because there will be no need for that gas. However, that doesn’t solve the fact that this is what I want to do.

“Do what you love and the money will follow”? No. I can’t do what I love to do because I have no money. I almost don’t even have a job right now because of what I love to do. I am getting sick, mentally and physically, because I can’t do what I love to do.

I’m going to watch a movie and go to bed now, even though it is still early for me. Not even 10 pm.

“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.” -Paulo Coelho

Saturday, I filmed a commercial as an extra. Before I name any names, I will look over the papers I signed, then I will tell you everything that happened. Trust me, it was surprise for me.

The “secret project” I have been talking about  can be announced now. We had a film crew at our house on Sunday, and we are going to L.A., as a family, on Thursday to film on Friday for a new T.V. show coming out, called The Jeff Probst Show. Does than name sound familiar? Jeff Probst was the host for the T.V. show Survivor. The show doesn’t air until September 10th, my family will be on the first episode, and the Facebook page already has over 15,000 likes. Crazy! The topic of our episode? “The Busiest Family”. Kinda perfect, right? So they got to our house at about 6 and filmed us getting ready for church, riding to church, driving home from church, and lunch time, until about 2:30. It was kinda fun driving around town and people staring because there was a guy with a giant camera in the passenger seat. And when we got to church and were leaving, people were like “why is there a camera crew following you?” and we would explain and they thought it was awesome we are going to meet Jeff. The crew was extremely nice. There was three guys, one main camera, and two guys for sound, but one of them would bring out a second camera at times.


So, yeah. I’m going to meet Jeff Probst this week. Honestly, I have never seen “Survivor”. We haven’t had cable or anything like that in about 8 years. We watch movies that we have and we rent three Netflix movies at a time. We used to do instant watch with them, but we decided to stop because of the extra fees and we were starting to get lazy. 

Well, it’s just after midnight and I am planning on working out early in the morning because I must have eaten over 6,000 calories in the past 2 days. The camp that I went to yesterday and today has an open kitchen 7-11 with junk food laid out on the counters and in the fridge and cabinets, and you can take whatever you want, whenever you want, and however much you want. Soda, chocolate milk, yogurt, pudding, chips, candy bars, beef jerky, trail mix, pretzels, granola bars, cereal bars, and I kinda went crazy. My body needed a break from eggs and veggies. And I let myself have whatever I wanted, even if I wasn’t hungry or if I was full. I did go for a run while I was there. I ran about 2 miles. But I know I need more exercise. I know I ate too much junk food. I can feel it. I feel so crappy and icky and sluggish. I’m pretty sure I’m going back Friday night through Sunday, when it ends.  I’ll “detox” from it later. Later because I’m going back and I know I’ll be in the kitchen more, and because I brought a lot home with me. And it is quickly dwindling, even if I’m not hungry. That’s a no-no in my book.

The good thing that came out of me going was that on the first day, not to mention meeting new people, I drank 3 bottles of water and 2 bottles of Gatorade. And when I woke up today, I was a bit tired, but I wasn’t dizzy and didn’t have a fever any more. Did I mention that yet? Guess not. I woke up on Sunday at 5:30, after going to bed at 3 am because I was filming on Saturday, and I felt so crappy and sick from exhaustion. During church, I felt feverish and hot and was sweating, but  everybody else said they felt fine. It wasn’t too hot in church. I had a fever and was dizzy and felt like passing out. I needed rest. The thing is, I can’t just rest. People tell me I need a day off to just do nothing and sleep. I can’t do that. If I do, I just sit there and I’m like “Okay, now what?”. I can’t do nothing. Yeah, I watch T.V., but not for 14 hours a day and then sleep. I need stuff to do, even if I’m supposed to be resting. Sitting there doing nothing is unbelievably boring to me. Anyway, I think I just needed electrolytes and I was dehydrated. I’m don’t have anything planned for tomorrow, so I can pretend to rest tomorrow.

Peace, love, and the image of beef jerky in your head. Why? Because that’s what i’m eating right now, at 12:30 am. And I shouldn’t. 

“Every noble work is at first impossible.” -Thomas Carlyle

My schedule is quickly filling up. The bank is quickly draining. The credit card is quickly loosing available funds.

Friday- Call back the possible sponsors for the pageant. Memorize side for video audition. Pick up pay check from work.

Saturday- L.A. day for filming a PSA. Leave at about 4, film about 6 hours, drive home.

Sunday- Church. Camera Crew in the afternoon. Leaving to take my brother to camp and I will be staying the night at the camp.

Tuesday- Call back more possible sponsors.

Thursday- Family is driving to L.A. and staying the night at a hotel.

Friday- Filming. Driving home.

Plus I don’t know my work schedule for next week just yet.

I leave you with peace, love, and the image of steak in your head.

“Be yourself. The world worships the original.” -Ingrid Bergman

Just a real quick update.

I signed up for classes: yoga, tennis, interior design, and intro to theater.

I’m excited about this semester, even though I couldn’t get into any curricular classes. Physically could not. They are absolutely full.

We have a film crew coming over on Sunday for 4 hours, but I’m not allowed to say for what, just yet.

The family is going to L.A. on Thursday or Friday for something, and I can’t say just yet.

I have a video audition this weekend for a student film, but it looks really fun.

I finally got an IMDb.


To add or change anything on my page, I need a Pro account, but that costs about $16 a month. I’m thinking about signing up for it next week.

Yeah. Have a fun and safe summer!

“It is not to be expected that human nature will change in a day.” -Frank B. Kellogg

I had my photo shoot yesterday. I have so much to say and I honestly don’t want to say it, for PR reasons. I don’t want to give anything away. I had 3 looks: a glamour, a swim suit, and a themed shot. 

Then I went to an audition for a student film, and I can’t believe I nailed that audition! I didn’t make a single mistake! I did a fantastic audition! I did two takes, one was a shot of just me, and he other was playing against some one else. I can’t believe I didn’t fumble. They even said they were impressed and loved my performance. However, they said I looked too young for the part, but I might do well in a different part in the film and will use that tape of me as the audition for the other character. I looked young because I still had all my makeup on from the photo shoot. It was caked on my face and I had dramatic eye shadow and giant false eye lashes. 

So, yeah.  Peace, love, and pancakes!