“Home is where the heart is.” -Pliny the Elder

Home is where the heart is, but I don’t know where my heart is. I don’t even have a bedroom! I sleep on the couch and all my clothes are in my older sister’s room. Half my stuff is in the living room on the couch, floor, bookshelves, any surface.

My life is at a weird point right now. I’m going to quit my job at Forever 21. It is not a place where I feel comfortable talking to my supervisors freely and openly. I dread going to work. I don’t feel comfortable there. I’m fine with the work and the customers, but the people I work with are not the company I normally associate myself with. I don’t know. Just not comfortable is the only way I can describe it.

Psychology Facts

If I was allowed to use my phone at work, this is all I would be doing. Pretending to text.

Saving money is one of the hardest things in this family. It is actually impossible. If you don’t buy one thing to try and save, you can’t. It can easily be spent on something else. Our 1999 Ford Explorer took it’s final breath about  a month ago and we had to buy a new car. Well, get a new to us but used car. A 2003 Ford Focus Wagon. So, we have those car payments. My oh so careful and innocent sister has been harsh to my computer and one of the hinges broke on my laptop, so I have it at the Geek Squad right now. I don’t know how much that will cost yet.

Tears to my eyes

I have not done anything model/acting-wise since the Fashion Show or CSULA student film. I don’t like that, but I also can’t change that. I don’t know where to start or what to do. There is one thing I want to do, but can’t. One of the girls from the Queen of the Universe Pageant is the director for a pageant in Hollywood and has invited me to do it. I missed the first orientation/casting date but there is another one this Sunday. I really want to do it. It is a preliminary for the Miss California, for the Miss United States, for the Miss Universe. I really want to do it, but I don’t have the funds or resources to do it. Prizes include a modeling contract. A real one where you do actual work.

And the best part? I knew this was true from the start, but there is a family member who believes I am only doing this because I believe I can get by in the world on looks and not have to actually do any work. Not only does his person think this, but is getting other family members on their side. I don’t think this at all! Modeling and acting is not an easy task! Modeling is not purely about the beauty of the model. It is the model selling what is being advertised. We don’t just stand there and look pretty. We have so many things we think about while on the job, and off. I might get into this subject a bit more in a different post. I don’t want this all to be a rant on different subjects.

WE HEART IT | via Facebook

Almost all of my posts are kind of depressing and a downer, but this is all I think about and contemplate. This is how this part of my life is. I am friends of FaceBook with other models and actors and they always talk about booking, being on set, going to auditions, working out at the gym, going to the recording studio, whatever it might be. It makes me slightly jealous because I want what they have. The success, the happiness, loving your job, wanting to wake up in the morning. Yes, money is part of it, but only in that I want to help get my family financially back on track. To start a saving account, to go on a well deserved vacation, to visit my brother who is in the Marines, to say, “let’s go out for ice cream” and have to stop and think “if we do, we can’t afford dinner for the next few nights”.

I think one reason I read a lot of books id because I don’t have to worry about any of my problems and I can live in the life I want for a while. There are tons of books about people who are striving to become actors, models, happy with their job.

books | Tumblr

Such a good movie about overcoming your environment to do what you want and what is right.

Books for happiness

In the meantime, I need to think things over. I don’t know what to do.

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