“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” -Robert H. Schuller

I got to admit, I’m feeling like I should stop trying. I can’t afford this. I’m getting negative feedback.

I had an audition yesterday. Because I am going to tell you exactly what the casting director said, I’m not going to say what the project was.

I thought I had this audition in the bag. I prepared for it, I brought the necessary materials, I spent almost $20 to print up the sides (selected excerpt from the script) and my head-shot picture, I was 3 hours early. Actually doing the audition, I played against a guy. I did the audition twice. The second time, they asked me to play it a different way, which is very possible in an audition. You might be acting different than what they want, but you don’t know. You don’t know the background of the characters unless you read the entire script, but you can’t always do that. I don’t mind when they do that. So, audition went great, in my eyes. They were very positive.

Until, I get the real response via message on their website. On their site, they can do a few different things, like send you a video of your audition (and you pay to watch it) and give you free feedback. Alright, awesome.

Until I actually read it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to audition for________________. Unfortunately, we decided to go a different direction for the role of _______. You did a good job listening and your rapport with _______ was natural and fun, but your choices felt a bit repetitive despite different directions. Your performance as a whole also felt like it could have been more cohesive.

Okay. Let’s break this down. I did a good job listening when they told me to do the scene differently, but I was repetitive when they told me to do it differently. What? Honestly, I didn’t know what they meant by ‘cohesive’, even though I know what it means. So I looked up the definition to see if it had multiple meaning. ‘to be connected logically; be consistent’  So, I wasn’t realistically connecting to the guy I was playing against? Considering the guy was supposed to be playing a girl and his acting was overly exaggerated, as if he was on a stage, and was sitting 3 feet away, uh, yeah, it’s hard to play against that. I can’t be consistent if they tell me to go in a different direction. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t watch the video. I can’t afford it.

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Of course, like any actor would do, I begin thinking if I am doing the right thing and if this is for me. I mean, a casting director, who sees hundreds, if not thousands of auditions for one role, tells me I have no chemistry on camera and I don’t now how to take directions. I don’t really know how to respond to that. I mean, how do you think that makes me feel? I try my hand at what I want to do and am told I am no good at it. I spend almost every single paycheck for gas money to L.A. I am constantly broke. I can’t afford to spend 100% of my money to go to L.A. to not get the job. I need to get the job and earn money back and then some. I’m going to be a full-time student next semester. I have books to pay for and school materials and competition entrance fees for tennis. How does everyone else in Hollywood do this? Please, tell me their secret.

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I just need to let this roll right off my shoulders and remember that I will be taking an acting class next semester. Just let it go. There is nothing I can do about it. I still have a year and a few months left in my contract. I still have time to learn.

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I’m working on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Oh boy. At least I get time and a half on Thanksgiving, and I’m working 5 hours that day. I’m working 17 hours this week. That’s the most I’ve worked in one week, which is ridiculous. Last week I only worked a four hour shift. This will help counteract that in my next paycheck and it should be a bit bigger.

My younger brother is home from Marine boot camp. He’s leaving in 2 weeks back to Camp Pendleton and then to the East Coast for more training, and then we don’t know what happens after that.