So, apparently, I was never dropped from the pageant, and I am still doing it. We had sent multiple messages to the director, but went unanswered. My mom messaged her today and she called us. We finally have dates for the ball and the actual pageant.
It’s weird. I’m not happy, but also not sad or disappointed that I’m still doing it. I was so in the mindset that I wasn’t in it and I didn’t have to worry about it. I didn’t have to worry about gas or my out of shape body in a bikini or a dress or anything. Just whatever video auditions that popped up. Just taking 5 minutes to memorize the script and forget it after I turn off the camera.
Now, I have 33 days to get in shape. I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier, but at the photo shoot, I was the fattest girl there. No joke. No lie. Not exaggerating. All the girls there were thinner and skinnier than I am. I am average size. That’s the thing. I know people are going to say “don’t worry about it” and “the judges will see you for who you are and not what you look like”. Really? They can see my personality while I’m wearing a nearly see-through white bikini from 20 feet away? Interesting.
I just don’t know how to feel. I’m actually really nervous. I realized this past summer, I get anxiety attacks. During The Sound of Music, I had 4 and nearly passed out for one of them, and that was during a dress rehearsal. Not even an audience in the house. I managed the other 3, during performances, and somehow didn’t pass out. But I was scared, before going on every time for 4 scenes in 8 performances, that I was going to have an attack that I nearly had one a few times. About 20 minutes after I was told I am still in it, it hit me and I was dizzy for the next 30 minutes. I just ignored it, but that doesn’t make it go away.
Imagine that. After performing for 8 years on stage in band and musical theater, I start getting stage fright. Doesn’t make sense.
Well, lets see if I can get a bikini body in 30 days. Probably not, but I have to try.
We’ve received 3 letters from my brother who is in boot camp or the marines. I’m really proud of him but I really miss him.