“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” -Virginia Woolf

I am stuck in a rut, and it is bringing down my hope of moving forward. Even just moving forward in time, before I age out of roles.

I can only get into the tennis class in college, and even then, I can’t pay for it, $70. I am going to borrow money from my brother and pay him back when I get paid.

I wanted to get into the improvisational acting class, but I am number 17 on the wait list. Seeing as how people wait years to get into this class, not going to happen.

We got a letter telling us when my brother’s boot camp graduation day is, and my parents want us to go, but there simply are no funds for anything. We are on the verge of getting things shut off because we can’t pay the bills. How are we supposed to pay for gas, food, and a hotel for 10 people? We can’t afford my sister to play laser tag with her friends tonight, for $10.

Being in debt is putting such a strain on my heart, now that I realize that things simply cannot happen. No, I can’t go around town to get pictures taken. I have to stay at home and do them, using the same background. No, I can’t audition for that role, even thought I am perfect and they would pick me out of the thousands who audition. We even wouldn’t have enough gas to get 1/4th of the way to L.A.

Yeah, they tell you to collect “no’s” and they all add up to equal a “yes” one day, but what if the no’s are telling you you can’t even audition. What do you do then? Wait? I don’t want to wait. You can’t wait for this sort of thing.

My current plan is to play tennis, as much as I can. I am enrolled in one tennis class, 2 times a week for 1 1/2 hours. I am going to ask my coach if I can crash his other two classes, on the other mornings and afternoons, equaling 1 1/2 hours, 6 times a week, making 9 hours of class time. I will play after class, and train on my own time. I will get on the varsity team, meaning I get first priority to enroll in classes, but means I need to be a full time student while on a varsity team. Being full time will mean I can only go to L.A. on the weekends, if I can afford it.

I would like to work 25+ hours a week, but my job is giving me 4-8 hours a week, on full availability. This absolutely pisses me off. It hardly counts as a job. It hardly counts as anything. My check at the end of two weeks? I doesn’t even pay for 1/2 of the groceries in a week.

I’m not sure if I’m still in the pageant. I talked with me mom and she messaged the director, without my knowing, telling her I was thinking about dropping it. And since then, casting notices have been showing up again for the pageant. So, I guess they dropped me without telling me. I said might. Not will.

I realize I mostly complain and say negative things on here, but that is what is going on in this part of my life. Once things pick up again, the posts are going to get better.

I posted 5 new pictures on my picture page. Go check them out. They were actually taken as part of The Jeff Probst show. They filmed my Dad taking pictures of me, to show that we do our own head shots.  I’m surprised they turned out good. They were sort of nothing pictures when we did it, but some turned out really good.

Semper Fi.



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