“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” -Virginia Woolf

I am stuck in a rut, and it is bringing down my hope of moving forward. Even just moving forward in time, before I age out of roles.

I can only get into the tennis class in college, and even then, I can’t pay for it, $70. I am going to borrow money from my brother and pay him back when I get paid.

I wanted to get into the improvisational acting class, but I am number 17 on the wait list. Seeing as how people wait years to get into this class, not going to happen.

We got a letter telling us when my brother’s boot camp graduation day is, and my parents want us to go, but there simply are no funds for anything. We are on the verge of getting things shut off because we can’t pay the bills. How are we supposed to pay for gas, food, and a hotel for 10 people? We can’t afford my sister to play laser tag with her friends tonight, for $10.

Being in debt is putting such a strain on my heart, now that I realize that things simply cannot happen. No, I can’t go around town to get pictures taken. I have to stay at home and do them, using the same background. No, I can’t audition for that role, even thought I am perfect and they would pick me out of the thousands who audition. We even wouldn’t have enough gas to get 1/4th of the way to L.A.

Yeah, they tell you to collect “no’s” and they all add up to equal a “yes” one day, but what if the no’s are telling you you can’t even audition. What do you do then? Wait? I don’t want to wait. You can’t wait for this sort of thing.

My current plan is to play tennis, as much as I can. I am enrolled in one tennis class, 2 times a week for 1 1/2 hours. I am going to ask my coach if I can crash his other two classes, on the other mornings and afternoons, equaling 1 1/2 hours, 6 times a week, making 9 hours of class time. I will play after class, and train on my own time. I will get on the varsity team, meaning I get first priority to enroll in classes, but means I need to be a full time student while on a varsity team. Being full time will mean I can only go to L.A. on the weekends, if I can afford it.

I would like to work 25+ hours a week, but my job is giving me 4-8 hours a week, on full availability. This absolutely pisses me off. It hardly counts as a job. It hardly counts as anything. My check at the end of two weeks? I doesn’t even pay for 1/2 of the groceries in a week.

I’m not sure if I’m still in the pageant. I talked with me mom and she messaged the director, without my knowing, telling her I was thinking about dropping it. And since then, casting notices have been showing up again for the pageant. So, I guess they dropped me without telling me. I said might. Not will.

I realize I mostly complain and say negative things on here, but that is what is going on in this part of my life. Once things pick up again, the posts are going to get better.

I posted 5 new pictures on my picture page. Go check them out. They were actually taken as part of The Jeff Probst show. They filmed my Dad taking pictures of me, to show that we do our own head shots.  I’m surprised they turned out good. They were sort of nothing pictures when we did it, but some turned out really good.

Semper Fi.



“Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.” -Bernard Meltzer

I just posted my last post about 20 minutes ago, but I was thinking and decided to look around and I found something.

The commercial I was in with Victoria Justice!

  • my pink shoes on the right in the first shot
  • after she turns around the corner, I am on the left side of her
  • 0:13, I’m on the left in the black shirt, and again one or two shots later, same scene

Yeah. I’m freakin’ excited about this!


“You cannot do only one thing.” -Garrett Hardin

I just want to do a quick little update, because I am really happy about some news I have come upon today. Granted, I don’t think this will change anything soon, but it still makes me happy.

I had auditioned for a student film, locally, about 7 months ago and one of the producers is a crew member for the musical I am in. I was talking about something I will mention in a sec, and he ended up talking about my audition. He told me that i was actually one of the final three for the main female role and they were really impressed with my audition, but I was just a tad too young looking. My first audition, not even signed yet, and I made it to the final three. I don’t know why, but that made me feel really confident about my acting skills.

The second thing. I didn’t mention this, but the T.V. show, The Doctors, has called me, twice now, for me to be on their show! They called about a week ago and wanted me to be there yesterday, but I had a show. Then they called me again today and wanted me next Friday, but I have a show. They mentioned they really want me, so I might in the next few weeks be on The Doctors! They just need to still be discussing what they want me for. I’m not too sure of the subject, but I have an idea of what it is. They had said it, but it might have changed for the second time they called.


Yeah. This show, The Doctors.

Some friends of mine made a music video and we are trying to get it to go viral. Help us and watch it? What’s there to loose? 3 minutes of your life?

Oorah. (And yes, I am temporarily changing “images in your head” to “oorah” in dedication for my brother. Maybe until he comes home.)

“One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.” -Antonio Porchia

I am in a really good mood tonight. Well, all day.

Something funny happened this morning, and it is a bit on the personal level.

I applied and had an interview for Starbucks. I hope I get the job. I need the extra money so bad. I haven’t done an audition in over a month. I want to get back into it, but I can’t without gas money. And I have to pay for my classes in the next month. About $250. It’s not much, compared to other colleges, but that’s how much I get paid in 2 months, maybe 3. I just am not getting enough hours right now.

Jamba Juice has been having a sale 9-11am, and for the 2nd time, I took advantage of it, and had a smoothie for breakfast. I had Caribbean Passion, something I have never tried. My sister told me it reminded her of Hawai’i. Awesome. Ran some errands. Had Taco Bell for lunch, and yet again, I tried something new. I tried their new Cantina salad with chicken, and it was so good! I was so full after, I thought I was going to throw up. I shouldn’ t have eaten it all and gotten myself that full because it stretches out your stomach. But I did.

Cantina Salad, chicken

Tonight was opening night of The Sound of Music! And it went amazing. For the past 2 rehearsals, I haven’t been doing one scene because I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out. I don’t know what it was about that scene, but I forced myself to do it tonight. I have been able to do all the scenes fine, except that one. I switched positions with my younger sister so I was closer to the wings, and that helped so much. I asked the girl next to me if I could switch spots, while on stage, and she was so rude to me. Really rude. I thought she was a nice person. Guess not. I was hyperventilating at first, but I calmed myself down and it went away and I did it fine. I will admit that I scratched my nose as soon as the lights turned on, but I did it because I needed to feel like it was casual for me to be on stage. I couldn’t just stand there, not moving.


In the first scene, I almost fall flat on my face. I didn’t get my costumes until tonight, and one was even made an hour before curtain. In the scene, I end up kneeling on the ground. When I stood up, my heel of my character shoes (generic looking theater heels) got caught on the hem of my dress, and I couldn’t put my leg down. It took me about 3 seconds to shake the skirt to free my foot. 3 seconds doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is when you are supposed to walk with someone and you are doing a live performance. I did my best.

For the past three nights, my snack before bed has been, well, carbs. I’ve been having white rice, a potato, and a hard boiled egg with soy sauce. It is so good, but so bad! Carbs and salt infused snack. Yuck! The eggs are okay for you. Also, I have this pair of shorts that has always been a bit too big on me, but I wear anyway. I tried them on today… They fit me perfect. A size 5. I’ve gained weight. I was a size 4. Oops. Need to start exercising a lot,  soon.

Tomorrow is two performances, and one on Sunday, and then a cast party at my house. So, that’s 4 performances in one weekend, but 2 weekends in a row, making 8 performances.

A really bad habit I have picked up is not going to bed until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I will stay on computer or watch a movie until I physically can’t keep my eyes open and I get dizzy. And it is bad because my I am tiring out my body by not sleeping. I should get to bed earlier because I need to start waking up earlier. I need to find a way to get myself in bed. I think once it gets colder, it will be way easier because I just want to get warm in my bed. I couldn’t really help it tonight. I didn’t get home until about 10:45. But it is now 12:30. I’m going to aim for 1.

I am signed up for 2 classes this semester. A tennis class and Improvisational Acting. I’m on the wait list, meaning the class is already full, but once people start dropping out, I can get n. I’m number two on the list for tennis and I think number 9 for the acting class. I can’t wait to start both of these classes. I love tennis and I need to up my acting skills. Now, how am I going to pay for them? I have no idea. Borrow money from my brother? Probably. Will he let me? Probably now. I’ll figure it out.


“Things do not change, we change.” -Henry David Thoreau

I haven’t been to L.A. since filming the Jeff Probst Show. I know I haven’t gone into details about that or the commercial.

School starts in 2 weeks, and I am on the waitlist for 1 class, tennis. I’m number 2 on the list, so I will get in. People will drop it because it’s  early and I know the coach will let me in. I can’t afford any more classes than one 1 unit class. We pay by the unit, and it is usually $60 a unit.

Money is still tight, and is causing problems because they will skip lunch, to save money, but then eat when they get home, right before dinner, and then eat dinner. Or eat a snack before going to bed, which actually can cause weight gain., because they had an early dinner.School started up again for 3 kids, and so there’s gas for that, plus 3 people work. The cars are starting to break down more often. I think we took the Ford Explorer in twice this month, and there is still something wrong.

I don’t know how many people know this, but I have been posting it on my Facebook. Today, my younger brother, Jordan, went to Marine boot camp. He has been training with other recruitees for about a year. We knew this day was coming, but it came and went so fast. Yes, there was crying, but I do have to admit, it wasn’t from me. I don’t think it has quite hit me yet. I bought a build-a-bear after work on Thursday and it was dressed as a Marine. I gave it to Jordan and he gave it to our mom right before the car drove off. That was a bit too much for her. She was fine until then, when she stated crying. What I thought was amazing is his best friend showed up at the recruitment center to see him off. Nobody else asked if they could, but  this guy did. Just his family and his best friend. What kind of pisses me off is as soon as he left, people are claiming his room and his comforters and his stuff. That absolutely pisses me off. It is still his stuff. When he officially moves out, he will want all that. He’s not dead, he’s just at “college” for 3 months. Think about it. Boot camp is just a learning experience, just like college. Anyway, he left this morning. We won’t see him for 3 months, then he graduates and actually goes to another boot camp for his field of choice.

We had a good-bye party on Saturday, and that lasted about 9 or 10 hours. Honest. It started at noon and people were still here after dark. About 90 people showed up and it was so much fun! I went swimming 3 times and got pushed in twice. I hung out with friends I haven’t seen in years. It was a lot of fun and I am so glad we had the party. So many of Jordan’s friends showed up.  Jordan is right when he said this, “I think you guys are making this a bigger deal than I am and what it really is.” It is true, but it is still a big deal.

The theater show I am in open in 5 days. Crazy! I don’t feel as attached to this show as others because we have only had like 6 rehearsals, and now we are at tech week. My role is so small, there isn’t a great need for rehearsals. Everything is going really good for that show.

Work gave me 12 hours last week, and 4 this week. What. The. Heck. I’m looking for a second part time job.

There was something else i was going to add, but I can’t remember right now.

Peace, love, and waffles.


“Do what you love and the money will follow.” -Marsha Sinetar

Life has gone up hill and then down hill very quick.

And I have decided, because of this amazing mood I am in (note the sarcastic tone), I’ll go ahead and tell you about the commercial and the Jeff Probst show.

Up hill:

It took about 8 hours to film the commercial. And the guest celebrities? Victoria Justice and Ryan Beatty! I will admit I was probably the only person who knew Ryan Beatty, or rather about him. They didn’t tell us she was going to be there until after she had just arrived. And Ryan was already there. I actually recognized him as soon as I saw him. It was really cool! The commercial was with AT&T as a Public Service Announcement to not text and drive. It was my first paying job.

The Jeff Probst Show sent a limo bus to pick us up. It took 8 hours to drive down because we made a stop near San Francisco to pick up my brother. We arrived at the hotel, The Roosevelt Hotel on Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, across the street from the Chinese Theater, a famous movie theater. some of my sisters decided to walk around outside after we got there and it turns out there was a movie premier at the Chinese Theater. And guess who was there? Johnny Depp! They saw him leave the theater and get into his limo. The next morning, we had the limo pick us up and drive us to the studio.We had hair and makeup and wardrobe done. We actually got to keep our wardrobe after, and I absolutely love my dress! We had a about 20 minutes of face time, but they are probably going to edit that down. They had a surprise for us, but I’m not going to say what. You are just going to have to watch on September 1oth to see what it was. And then the 8 hour drive back, but I stayed with my brother.

Down hill:

I don’t know why my mom chose that moment to tell me, but I have to pay for my gas to L.A. from now on. I think that is fair, but I have no money. I have Just over $100. So, yeah. I do have money, but there are other things going into the equation.

Ten days after you sign up for your class, your classes have to be paid off or else they drop you and they give your spot to someone else. My 10th day was Thursday. My classes weren’t paid for because we are in debt. We maxed out the credit card. I don’t mind giving 100% of my paychecks to my parents, but only as long as they had been paying for my gas and school. We can’t afford that anymore. I need to pay for gas and school. My 4 classes that I was going to take cost almost $500. I did apply for a state grant, but they never got back to me. I can’t just call their office. It’s all online. So, I am currently not in school because of the cost.

Here’s the other thing. I was supposed to work on Thursday, but I was leaving that day for L.A., so I was going to call in and use a sick day, and that would have been my third in 2 months. At about 2, I realized I forgot to call in. We were in the process of packing and getting organized to leave all morning. We left at about 12:30 pm, and my shift started at noon. So,  I might be loosing my job. L.A. takes up too much time to work where I do when they don’t allow any leniency and everything is by the book.

Here’s the break down: I might lose my job, and that means no money. My family is past the point of no money and I can’t take any classes this year because of it. I need to pay for my way to and from L.A. from now on, but I might not have a job, so I might not be able to go to L.A. anymore for anything. On top of all this, because of where I live and my proximity to L.A., nobody wants to buy an ad for the program for the pageant I’m going to be in. Half the money was due last week, and I don’t have a penny for it. If they drop me, they will tell my agent I flaked on them because I signed an agreement that I would do everything in my power to get the money and I will get the money. (Granted I only called back 3 people who I sent packets to, but I am so discouraged and I know for a fact they won’t buy an ad because of the economy and I don’t know them or I have an unbelievably awkward relationship with that person. I actually changed the way I walked to class many times in high school so I wouldn’t pass by certain people.) I absolutely can not get that money. If my agent is told I am a flake, I won’t get sent to any auditions or my contract will be dropped, which I guess will solve the money for gas issue because there will be no need for that gas. However, that doesn’t solve the fact that this is what I want to do.

“Do what you love and the money will follow”? No. I can’t do what I love to do because I have no money. I almost don’t even have a job right now because of what I love to do. I am getting sick, mentally and physically, because I can’t do what I love to do.

I’m going to watch a movie and go to bed now, even though it is still early for me. Not even 10 pm.