“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” -Calvin Coolidge

But it is so easy to be hurt by what people don’t say. If you don’t get the job, they don’t call you to tell you. They just don’t call. I didn’t get a call.

(I ended up calling in sick for work, but I didn’t say I was sick. I said I couldn’t make it in and would need to use a sick day.)We, My dad, Jordan, and I, left at 5, and got to the house where the audition was over an hour early, so we drove around and went to Target so I could get some hairspray. We went back to the place, I waited for 2 hours in the parlor, did my interview, I thought it went great, and we left. The house was about 10 miles from Rodeo Drive, and my dad has always wanted to go, so we went. We parked a block away near the Beverly Hills sign and walked down Rodeo Drive. My Dad went ballistic when he saw this, but there was a Bugatti Veyron parked on Rodeo Drive. They only made 300 of these cars. 0-60 in 2 seconds, $2 million, top speed 250+ mph. He had such a great time. We didn’t go in any of the stores. We just walked around looking at the cars. 🙂 We say a lot of Porches, BMWs, Mercedes. It’s not just that we saw those, but they were the new models, the 2012’s. Then we went to the Santa Monica Pier. I went there about 2 months ago, as you can see in the older post, but my Dad said he has never really explored that part of L.A. before. We mainly just pass through L.A. to get to Anaheim for Disneyland. We parked about 1/2 mile down the beach from the Pier and walked there, passing through Muscle Beach, which is an area on the beach where fit people work out on the equipment there, like the olympic rings and climbing up the rope and balancing on a rope between bars and pull ups and all that good stuff. Then we walked on the Pier about half way and then went on the beach right next to it. Jordan had brought his swim shorts and played in the water for a while and rode his long board on the bike path and had fun. I sat on the beach and watched. About 30 minutes after we got there, my Mom called me and said I needed to call a number to confirm to be considered to a country. So I called the number she gave me and I talked to the director who said she is going to put my name in for consideration for Miss Canada. She chose 3 people for each country and gave those names and pictures to judges, who will pick the final for each country, and they would call that evening or next morning to let the people know which country they are representing. They didn’t call last night, and it is now just after 1 pm. I still haven’t gotten a call. I don’t think I will be. Anyway, we headed home at about 6, stopped for Taco Bell in the Grapevine, and made it home at 12:30. I finally got to bed at about 1:30, and slept in this morning. I did wake up for about 2 hours when everyone was getting ready for church, but I went back to bed after they left. I feel better, but I need a few more hours and a good shower to feel back at 100%.  I work tomorrow and Friday this week. That’s it. Two shifts last week, two shifts this week. I wish I got more hours, but if i get called in for an audition, it’s hard to get that rearranged with work.

My point with the name of this post is that it is very easy to get hurt, in this business, when you don’t hear back. And it is getting harder for me. I was so sure I was going to get this. And it’s very disappointing that I didn’t. I got my hopes up, and I didn’t get it. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Was I wearing the wrong clothes? Am I not tall enough? Did I do my runway walk wrong for them? Did they see me falter slightly when I walked for them?Because I did, but I was walking so close to the table, I thought they couldn’t see my feet. Maybe it did affect my walking, but I didn’t think so. Was it because they saw me last? Did they see someone right before me who was prettier? What did I do wrong that I could have done differently to have gotten this? It just gets harder every time I get rejected. Maybe it will slowly stop and even out. Maybe there is a turning point where it will stop being hard and disappointing and it will be easier and be no big deal. I think it is worse right now because I know that each trip down to L.A. costs so much and for every time we go down, we can’t pay 2 bills on time for that week, and we get a week behind. And once we get far behind, we have to pay the full amount of a credit card to get out of debt on the bill, but then we are in debt on the credit card. I want to get one of the jobs, any of them, that pay so I can pay back my parents for all the gas and food and hotel costs they have put into this. The winner of the pageant would have won $100,000 in cash and prizes. I know that doesn’t mean they win exactly $100,000, but any amount of money would have helped for me to pay them. I don’t have a chart or anything, but I just want to help them get out of debt on their bills and credit cards and have enough money left over to fix up the house a bit. Put some aside for a family vacation for when Jordan has 10 days off from boot camp. So we can spend those 10 days down south at Disneyland, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, the beach, just hanging out, sightseeing. He leaves in 49 days. and then in camp for 3 months with no communication with his family. Then 10 days off, and back in a specialized boot camp for 3 months, but with communication, I think. And he won’t know until he finishes that one, but he gets sent off to another boot camp for more specialized training in his criteria or department. He doesn’t know where, how long, or any of the details until he finished his second round of camp. My point is, we don’t have any money saved up for that time. Any extra money we get goes toward the credit card bill. It’s only 5 months away, when he got’s out. 5 months to say all we can. For me to save all I can. My parents can’t save any money, there’s no room to. Kelsey can’t and won’t, saying she needs to pay for classes and books, when I know she gets money from the government to pay for it. David is on a fixed income, and that is getting smaller each month. I don’t get enough hours at work and I’m looking for a second job, but that’s risky because I need to sign up for classes and there’s always the risk of me having to call off work to go to L.A. or me quitting because I got the job in L.A. and I need to move for a month or two or whatever. I have lots to think about.

With that story, I leave you with peace, love, and the image of grapes in your head.

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